Meatloaf Can Do That!

Most people, when they hear the name ‘Meatloaf,’ think of his regrettable endorsement of Mitt Romney or that time he got all het up over school prayer. Still, I can’t help but love Meatloaf anyway. Chalk it up to my teenage years spent at midnight showings of The Rocky Horror Picture Show, or my secret desire to be a rockabilly chick, but I love me some Bat Out of Hell.

If you asked most people to name a Meatloaf song, it’d probably be, ‘I’d Do Anything For Love (But I Won’t Do That).’ And they should; it went platinum in the States, was the top-selling song of the year in the U.K., and has an elaborately cheesy Michael Bay-directed Beauty and the Beast/Phantom of the Opera pastiche for a music video (which features the world’s ugliest necklace, several cathedrals’ worth of pillar candles, unexplained lesbian softcore porn, and lots of dramatic!blue!light!)

People remember the song because Meatloaf won’t do ‘that’. But have you actually listened to the song lately? Not only does Meatloaf list the numerous things he won’t do, he also affirms the things he can! If that piques your interest (but not enough to listen to the whole twelve minute song), read on, dear Reader: this is the list for you!

Meatloaf Can:

1. Raise you up

2. Help you down

3. Get you right out of this godforsaken town

4. Make it all a little less cold

5. Hold you sacred

6. Hold you tight

7. Colorize your life

8. Make it all a little less old

9. Make you some magic with his own two hands

10. Build an emerald city with these grains of sand (not just any grains, but these grains. RIGHT HERE. THESE.)

11. Give you something you can take home

12. Cater to every fantasy you got

13. Hose you down with holy water if you get too hot

14. Take you to places you’ve never known

You better believe it.


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